That seems like a weird question, maybe, but it’s one I’ve been living with this week.

Five weeks into RenFaire (and I promise this isn’t going to be another post about Faire!), and I’ve succumbed to what one Faire friend calls Faire Fatigue.  Compressing seven days into four and a half for weeks on end takes its toll, no matter how much I cut back on what “needs” to be done, and no matter how much I love Faire.

As my ability to be aware of my feelings and thoughts has grown, so too has a physical awareness and … something else.  Because now when I look at the statement “I feel tired,”  I find that while it’s true on some levels, it’s not at all true on others.

My body isn’t tired at all.  It’s ready to go out and work in the garden, take a walk, wash windows. 

My mind isn’t really tired either.  I’ve been putting in a lot of very high-focus time on finishing the home-study package for my networking program, How to Kiss Frogs and Find Royalty: the fine art of fun, productive networking.  My mind is very happy ensuring that I’ve got the content right, editing the audio, and playing with the layout and format. 

(Yes, I’m very bad, because I haven’t written its sales page yet.  But you can read about the teleclass from which the home-study program was created, and by all means contact me if you’d like me to let you know when the home-study package is released.  I’m excited; it’s a really powerful program!)

So what IS tired?  Because boy, do I feel the exhaustion!

My good friend and business partner Jon Hansen says it’s the cumulative effect of all those years of living on adrenaline, driving myself to do more, being hyper-responsible, always seeking to prove myself, to do what I thought others wanted from me, what I thought I had to do in order to survive and succeed. 

As I let go of that adrenaline-driven existence and relax into living from awareness and inspiration instead, that accumulated exhaustion becomes inescapable.  Something way down deep inside wants and needs to relax, rest, recuperate.

So.  What does this mean?  I don’t know!  But I’m asking myself, more and more deeply, what is it in any moment that really wants to be done (not needs to be done, but wants to be done).  I’m questioning my habitual urge to drive forwards regardless of the cost, and instead I’m asking for help when I need it. 

There’s a lot for me to learn in all of this – noticing how hard it was for me to even type the words “asking for help” was a pretty big clue that I’m still a tad ambivalent about that! 

But the awareness of these levels of exhaustion has brought me face to face with the truth that I don’t want to live on adrenaline any more.  It’s not fun.  It’s certainly not healthy.  And in the end, it doesn’t create an experience of life or of work that I want, or that is best for my clients.