Every now and then, I’ll invite a guest to provide an article. This is from my friend and collaborator, Jon Hansen, of The Remembering Room.

Have you ever wondered why a friend or colleague was having such a strong reaction to someone’s behavior when it didn’t bother you in the least?

On the other hand, have you ever found yourself in the midst of a reaction – whether anger, frustration, and tears, or joy, happiness, and admiration – and seen someone looking at you in complete confusion?

It’s obvious that different people react to different things in different ways.  And of course it would be very dull if everyone’s reactions were the same.  But when you find yourself reacting strongly, especially with what we generally think of as negative emotions, it’s worth stopping to take a look. 

I know for myself that whenever a strong reaction arises, it’s pointing to something in me at least as much as it is to something in the other person.  It’s not always easy or comfortable to look in the mirror, but when I do, I always learn something new. In learning, I find ways to relax into deeper freedom.

My clients come to appreciate this as well.  In fact, one of the ways I know that my work with someone is drawing to a close is when they begin to realize that the guidance and wisdom they have looked for and found in me is just a reflection of the guidance and wisdom they’re finding within themselves.

In the beginning, though, it can be challenging to find the reflection.  Here are some hints on how to look in the mirror.

Stop!

Faced with powerful emotion, especially one that you’ve been taught is negative and therefore to be avoided, it’s natural to try to find something to do to move away from it.  If you feel as if someone’s words or actions have caused your emotion, you may find yourself pushing that person away or retaliating.  Or you may find yourself retreating in fear or hurt.

Stop before you react.  As we all know, reactions in the heat of the moment often make the situation worse.  So just stop and give yourself some breathing room.

Allow

What is the emotion you’re feeling?  It may be easily identifiable, but more likely it’s a multi-layered mixture.  Allow what you’re feeling initially, and then also allow the deeper feelings to arise and express themselves.

For instance, one client used to get furious when people didn’t respond to her phone messages or emails.  Several layers below that anger was a deep feeling of hurt and rejection that she wasn’t aware of until she stopped and allowed all the feelings to be what they were. 

Reflect

What is the reflection within you?  How do you experience in yourself exactly what you’re reacting to in someone else’s behavior?

That can be hard to find at first.  When I ask my clients this question, they’re often confused.  “But I don’t reject myself!” was the quick answer from the client who hated others’ apparent unresponsiveness.  A few days of living with the question, however, brought a quieter answer, and a realization of the many ways she in fact did reject herself.

In looking at this reflection (and with a lot of work over time), she’s gradually shifted her perspective.  As she’s settled into a more authentic relationship with herself, her interactions and relationships with others have become more authentic and less stressful.  Unsurprisingly, now her messages are more often answered than not, and she’s occasionally even startled by emails from people she’d forgotten she’d contacted. 

Patterns

My client’s reaction to what she perceived as unresponsiveness and rejection was a clear pattern for her, extending beyond email or phone messages to requests for help and even into casual social conversation. 

What patterns are true for you?  Do your reactions to people’s phrasing of questions or comments consistently leave you feeling put upon – or put down?  When someone is especially grouchy or especially cheerful, do you tend to find them annoying?  On the other hand, do you see desireable attributes – wisdom or know-how, for instance – in your friends and mentors instead of yourself?

When you identify the patterns of your reactions, stop and give yourself time to allow the emotions that arise.  Then reflect on where those emotions are rooted within yourself.  You’ll discover a gradual, growing release and freedom from your painful reactions.  You’ll also find a delightful acceptance of your talents, power, and the wholeness of your true self.

Just look in the mirror.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”  Confucius, 551BCE – 479BCE, Chinese thinker and social philosopher.