A few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about referrals.

A few weeks before that, I was talking with a different friend about referrals.

Both times, a knotty question came up.

What do you do when you like and recommend someone’s work, but there doesn’t seem to be reciprocation?  All the referrals are flowing one way – theirs – and you’re starting to feel frustrated, a tad confused, perhaps even hurt and annoyed.

It came up spontaneously in both conversations - it isn’t as if I’ve been trying to figure this out – but it did start me thinking about what it means to give and receive referrals.

I finally came to a few conclusions about what I call the “referral dance.”   Because in many ways it is a dance – a flow where you’re taking cues from someone else, and giving cues to them, and either one of you may or may not be reading those cues correctly. 

Seems to me there are some the key places where people mis-cue in the dance.  (Ever been dropped on the dance floor?  I have!)

1. Don’t assume someone knows you’re sending business her way.  Give her a heads-up.  “Hey, I gave someone your contact info for something he needs help with - I’d love to know if you hear from him!” 
2. Are you clear about what you do and what sorts of people you work with?  It’s worth making this very, very clear.  Not everyone is going to read your website to find out.  And believe it or not, even your clients don’t necessarily know the best ways to refer you.  If you want someone to send you referrals, tell him exactly who you want him to refer – and how!
3. Are you clear with yourself about your referral criteria?  For instance, I won’t refer you to anyone whose work I don’t know.  Whether I’ve actually experienced their work first-hand in some way, or had enough people tell me how fabulous they are that I believe it – if you get a referral from me, it’s because I stand behind that person’s work. 
4. Are you getting business sent to you?  By whom?  Track your most consistent referral sources – and find ways to thank them.  There could be reasons why you can’t refer business back in their direction (they might not be in business, or you might not know anyone who fits their criteria), but that doesn’t excuse failing to recognize their efforts on your behalf.  It’s easy to be so involved with your business – finding clients, serving the clients you have – that you overlook non-client relationships.  Don’t!  Find ways to help those who are helping you.
5. Let yourself feel annoyed at someone who’s not reciprocating if that’s what’s real for you – but then do something about it.  That doesn’t mean berating the other person.  It means asking yourself if you’ve been clear about who you want them to send to you (maybe they just missed your cue?).  And it could mean finding someone else who’s equally skilled and talented at what they do – and more skilled and talented at the referral dance.

Referrals really are about the relationship you have with your referral partners.  Whether you’re giving or receiving, a referral feels good – and it’s a tremendous way to build your business.  When someone who really “gets” what you do sends you the perfect client, there’s nothing more heart-warming and downright fun.  And it’s almost as much fun to send someone else the perfect client in return.

The best dance partner is someone you know and trust.  And that’s true in the referral dance as well as at the local club.

Excuse me.  I need to go answer an email I just received from someone who was referred by a past client of mine.   (No joke.  Perfect timing, huh?)

What’s your experience with referrals?