I will be eternally grateful for your great gift of taking in to the fullest extent what it is that I
have to offer, living it, and then reflecting it back in terms of the potential experience of others.
You have given words to a process that defies words. And you’re constantly in a position to help
me continue to hone that, deeper and deeper and more and more resonantly, who I am and what I offer,
which is truly invaluable. — Jon Hansen, 
What you’ve sent me is so darn perfect it hurts! It’s a sheer pleasure to work with someone
who writes as beautifully as you do — and in “my” voice. — Ariane Goodwin, Ed.D,
You have a real gift for words. You’re really, really good at it. — Sherry Essig,
Why it’s all about me
A few months ago, I exchanged comments with someone about a post I’d made here on this blog. During our comment-conversation, I said, in part, “My experience is that whenever my reaction to someone is that strong, it probably means there’s something in me, more than in them, that I’m reacting to. In other words, I know it’s not about them at all – it’s about me.”
I’m here to reiterate that statement, and also to apologize to two people I reacted strongly to over the last few days.
In the first instance, I was impatient and irritated with a teller at my bank. She was new, still learning the job, and was being careful … and incredibly slow. And she made a couple of comments that triggered feelings of wrongness for me (oh, the joys of money!). While I still don’t think her comments were appropriate, neither was my reaction – and my reaction was all about my stuff.
In the second instance, I have no idea what got triggered for me! But I fired off a snarky email to someone who’d done nothing to deserve it. Even if his behavior had been out of line in some way, my reaction was an overreaction.
Again, all about my stuff (even though I haven’t figured it out yet).
Why am I writing about it here?
Because I think the point – it’s all about me – is an important one. Not incidentally, it’s also a rather painful one. (Isn’t it funny how the important points are often painful as well? Cue hollow laughter…)
With my clients and in my classes I sometimes make the point this way.
Have you ever been with a friend who was just completely going ballistic about something someone had done – but you were sitting there thinking, wow, this is so no big deal?
Likewise, have you ever been in a situation where you were going ballistic about something someone had done – and your friend was looking at you like you’d lost your mind?
As I said: it’s all about our own stuff.
I’m not saying that people never do bad things. I’m not saying that there aren’t actions that are appropriate when someone has taken advantage of me in some way. Of course there are – whether that’s stepping away from a relationship doesn’t support me, on up to taking legal action if that’s what’s necessary.
But I’ll continue reminding myself to check those reactions. Because no matter what the situation, a strong reaction means I’d better look inside myself before I start expressing my irritation, whether verbally or in email. And I have no desire to let myself be dragged around, like a dog on a leash, by believing that my reactions are about anything external to me.
Meanwhile, my apologies to the unsuspecting bank teller and email recipient. And my thanks. Because in seeing this, and in reminding myself that it’s all about me, they’ve helped me take one more step towards freedom.
Posted: June 24th, 2009 under Awareness.