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Are You Living a Label?

When you label someone — yourself or anyone else — you pigeonhole her, group her with a bunch of other people in ways that might — or might not — fit.

The effects of labels are more subtle than you might imagine. And although I wouldn’t recommend actually seeking them out for yourself or applying them to other people, they’re not always as negative as you might expect.

The primary difficulty with labels is that they create assumptions about the person you’re labeling. Of course, that’s also the primary benefit: when you have a handy label available, you may be able to reach a better understanding of someone without having to spend a lot of time getting to know him or her.

This is why personality styles assessments are so popular, from Myers-Briggs to the Enneagram, from DISC to the PRO-II, and all the myriad others out there. They simply provide a label that allows you to better understand your co-workers, your family, and your friends.

Similarly, a diagnosis (which is another type of label) such as depression, addiction, and so on — whether officially handed down by a psychiatric or medical professional or not — creates a set of expectations about someone’s behavior.

It’s a two-edged tool. On the one hand, you have a window into aspects of someone that you might otherwise need years of close friendship to understand. On the other hand, you also have a set of expectations that can box you and others into unproductive behavior patterns.

And it gets even more subtle than that. I recently blogged about my experience with a mis-administered Myers-Briggs evaluation that had me feeling weirdly misunderstood and out of synch — for decades. Being released from the incorrect label was great. And the insights I got from understanding the right label were incredible.

In somewhat similar ways, the negative implications of a diagnosis label can cause friends to drive the labeled person into exactly the behavior patterns they don’t want to see, simply through their expectations — and the actions they take based on those expectations. (Please note that of course I’m not talking about serious mental illnesses, where someone may or may not have the capacity to understand what’s happening or to change his/her behavior. Nor am I saying that any legitimate medical or psychological diagnosis is just a label; of course it’s much more than that.)

How can you deal with the good and bad aspects of labels, especially as they may apply — or be applied — to you? Here are a few suggestions — and cautions.

Does the shoe fit?

If someone hands you a label, no matter how reliable it’s supposed to be, and no matter how respected the source, you have a responsibility to yourself to try that label on to see if it fits.

Even when you’re assured (as I was by the Myers-Briggs consultant) that the results are accurate, if it doesn’t fit, don’t fall into the trap of feeling as if you’re wrong, or as if you need to change your behavior.

You know when your shoes fit. It’s the same with a label, but you’re more likely to rely on external “experts” with labels than you are with your shoes.

You wouldn’t buy shoes that pinch. Don’t buy the label.

On the other hand, when the label fits, especially if it fits well, grab it. Explore all its possibilities. See where it encourages you to grow and expand into a bigger, more complete expression of who you really are. Take what intrigues you and run with it!

And it’s not complete

A shoe is just a shoe — even when it’s comfortable, it’s probably not the only thing you’re going to wear.

Even when the label is amazingly accurate (the shoe is really, really comfortable!), remember that it’s just a very small, static image of the wholeness of you.

What’s missing from this small, static image? What can’t you see — and how different does it look and feel when it moves through life instead of being an unmoving, written description?

When you’re applying a label to someone else, it’s very tempting — especially when it’s someone you may not know well — to believe that what you know about the label is all there is to know about the person.

Don’t do this, and be aware if you feel someone may be doing it to you. That’s how serious misunderstandings and miscommunication happen.

I’m sure I don’t need to add that using a label to excuse bad behavior — yours or anyone else’s — is often just as tempting and just as dangerous!

Relate to the person, not the label

When you see someone only through the filter of a label, especially a label you view as negative, you run a real risk of pushing him or her into behavior that s/he’d otherwise never consider.

If you’re in relationship with the label instead of the person, you’ll make bad assumptions that will tend to create exactly the behavior you don’t want.

For instance, if you have a friend who’s “an addict,” you may find yourself in relationship with her addiction, not with who really she is. Likewise, if you work with someone who’s “terribly self-centered,” you’re much more likely to have extreme reactions to behavior that might otherwise just be a mildly annoying example of selfishness.

That applies to yourself also, of course. My clients are astonished — not to say horrified — as they discover the many ways they use negative labels on themselves. (Then they’re intrigued by the sense of freedom that results from observing those labels and exploring what it’s like to live without them!)

Whether it’s yourself or another person, being aware of how you wield labels can make a real difference. Are you swinging a blunt instrument, or allowing yourself to understand someone a little more completely? Are you limiting yourself, or encouraging the fullest expression of who you — and the people around you — really are?

What labels are you living — and how well do they fit?

“I think labels are for food. Canned food.” Michael Stipe, 1960- , American singer, songwriter, producer, and activist.

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