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What’s Stopping You?

You’ve got an idea, something you want to be, something you want to try. There’s a voice in the background whispering that you’re supposed to be doing something different or bigger than what you’re doing now. Something that has more heart and inspiration for you.

Maybe you’re trying to do it, trying to respond to that call. Maybe you’re waiting for the right time. Maybe you can’t bring it into focus clearly enough to take action. Or maybe you’re asking yourself why, even with all your hard work and effort, you haven’t gotten it off the ground.

And you may feel very alone and vulnerable with this impulse, this yearning towards something bigger, something important.

I’ve got good news for you: it’s not procrastination, laziness, or lack of motivation — or any of the other unkind things you may have been saying to yourself.

And you’re not alone. Almost everyone I talk with feels a call to something personally meaningful and important. Some of them are working to make it real, but many aren’t. A very few are fully engaged and in alignment with what they’re doing. They’re the fortunate ones.

Everyone else has been stopped by something.

What’s stopping you?

Here are a few of the most common reasons I hear — and some ways to examine their validity.

I’m too old/too young

As a baby boomer myself, what I often hear is “I’m too old to start something new.” However, I also have 20-something clients who are just as likely to believe they’re too young and inexperienced to go for what they want.

In some cases, it could be true. When you’re in your 50s, it probably is too late to become an astronaut. And lack of experience is certainly a factor in getting nominated to the Supreme Court.

But your situation is not likely to be so extreme.

Ask yourself if it’s really true that your age is a barrier to what you want to do. Don’t get into a logical debate with your mind; instead, explore what it might be like if it wasn’t true.

Then spend some time researching the things people your age are doing. As you do so, bear in mind that everyone you’re reading about is a person, not some sort of superbeing, but an individual who feels many of the same doubts, insecurities, and fears as you do.

What would they think?

Taking steps towards making your calling a reality instead of a whisper in your head is big. It’s vulnerable and risky. What if it flops? What if it succeeds? What if everyone hates the idea — or, worse, what if they think it’s totally stupid?

That’s what “what would they think” really means.

And yes, it’s scary. Especially when your idea, your dream, is still unclear, and you have only the dimmest idea how to turn it into reality — or only the smallest notion why, despite all your efforts, it’s not turning into reality.

Give yourself a gift of respect: your idea isn’t bad, even if it’s not yet quite clear.

And then give yourself the gift of a reality check: do some internet research and find out who’s doing something similar. I talk all the time with people who have wonderful ideas, and they think they’re all alone. They’re not, and neither are you. You’ll almost certainly discover lots of people already doing what you aspire to. Please note that this is a good thing! It validates your idea and gives you plenty of places to learn more and develop your idea into action.

I have responsibilities!

Of course. Everyone has responsibilities.

Without knowing what’s calling you and understanding the scope of your responsibilities, I can’t say for sure that those responsibilities don’t make it impossible for you.

I can say that my clients all ultimately see ways they can fulfill their responsibilities and start taking steps towards what they really want. They realize that their responsibilities don’t have to stop them.

When you imagine what you want in its beautiful, fully-realized end state, all you can see is the huge gap between that and where you are now. You’re overlooking the myriad individual steps that it takes to get there. And each one of those steps is just that: a step. It’s not a commitment to take all the steps, nor even a commitment to take any next steps. It’s just one step.

Are your responsibilities so huge that there’s no space to take even that first, tiny step?

I’m afraid

Now we’re getting somewhere! Fear is at the root of every stopped-point.

There’s nothing wrong with fear. I suggest to my clients that they think of fear as their own personal risk-management expert. All fear wants to do is keep you safe.

But “safe” is a very relative term. The fact is, no one knows what will happen next; it’s just that when you stay in familiar, predictable patterns of life, you think you know what will happen next. And when you step outside the familiar, when you make yourself vulnerable by being unexpected, your fear tends to run rampant.

Don’t deny your fear. Listen to it. It has important things to tell you, and it will almost inevitably become quieter when it knows you’ve listened.

In the end, whatever you choose is okay. But it’s much more satisfying to make a clear, informed choice, rather than being stuck, stopped by thoughts and reasons that don’t hold up when you examine them.

“I’ve grown certain that the root of all fear is that we’ve been forced to deny who we are.” Frances Moore Lappe, 1944- , author and social change activist.

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