Svaha: the time between seeing lightning and hearing the thunder
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Telling someone their performance needs improvement is hard.
When the employee in question is emotionally fragile, the task becomes even more difficult. You don’t enjoy feeling as if you’ve caused someone else’s pain, and you don’t enjoy confrontation. When you know an employee is likely to burst into tears or become loudly angry, you’re going to find any way possible to avoid the conversation or make it as brief as possible.
At the same time, you know letting poor performance go isn’t the answer either. It’s not good for your team: morale suffers when one team member isn’t holding up his or her end. It isn’t good for your organization: your team’s productivity will decline, either as a direct result of the poorly-performing employee’s behavior, or as a result of the drop in team morale — or both.
It isn’t good for your customers or clients: whether they come in contact with the employee in question or not, the situation ultimately will affect the product or service your company offers.
And it isn’t good for you. You’re just waiting for the next problem to show up, dreading the impact of it, and dreading the inevitable conversations you’ll have to have with irate customers, your boss, and — worst of all — the under-performing emotional employee whose behavior is causing the whole mess.
The reality is, this type of situation doesn’t go away. Instead, the more you avoid it, the worse it gets.
So how can you make it as painless as possible for all concerned? Here are the steps I recommend.
When an employee reacts emotionally, it’s important to start by taking a hard look at your own behavior.
For your own protection, be sure that you can look yourself — or your HR manager — in the eye and say with certainty that you aren’t out of line in any way. In the event you face an investigation or even a lawsuit, it’s helpful to know up front that your actions and words are defensible.
Assuming that you pass your self-evaluation with flying colors, let go of feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions.
How someone else reacts is much more about their “stuff” than about what you do or say. Let go of your feelings of responsibility for their reactions.
This doesn’t mean you’re uncaring or uncompassionate. In fact, you can be more caring and compassionate when you stay separate.
On the other hand, you are responsible for the performance of your people, whether you manage a small team or an entire company.
When you avoid dealing with a problem employee because you don’t want to upset him or confront her, you’re also avoiding your responsibility to manage effectively.
What’s really happening? What are the facts about this person’s performance? Have the facts at your fingertips. You don’t want to be scrambling for a clear statement of the problem in the heat of the discussion, when someone may be sobbing or shouting.
Over-prepare for your meeting. Have a brief, easy-to-read list of the facts (not your opinions!) in front of you. Review them beforehand. Your memory will play tricks on you when you can least afford it.
Performance problems are often the result of a gap in understanding or skills. Both are easily revealed by simply being curious about what’s happening.
Point out the facts of the situation, and then ask why. “I’ve noticed you have a pattern of being late with your deliverables. Why? How can I help fix this?”
It’s a very disarming question, especially for someone who’s ready to respond emotionally to an accusation. You’re not accusing; instead you’re asking reasonable, helpful questions.
When you begin with curiosity, and expect their reaction to surprise you, your approach is different — and that creates a different reaction in the other person.
And you might discover that there’s a simple solution to the problem after all.
Despite all this, chances are good that the person will still react emotionally. It’s a habitual pattern; it’s worked for him every time up till now, and there’s no reason why he wouldn’t believe it will work again.
Whether it’s tears or tantrums, remember that you’re not responsible for her feelings. Resist the temptation to participate in her emotionality in any way, and don’t back off from your reasonable, factual position.
Go ahead and offer compassion, but don’t accept abuse. And if the reaction (whether tears or anger) is such that the conversation cannot continue, simply say, “I can see you’re really upset right now. Let’s take a break and talk again when you’ve had time to compose yourself. How about tomorrow morning at 10:00?”
Your actions will make your point clear: you’re not letting his emotions derail your commitment to solving the problem, and you’re not letting her drag you into an emotional reaction.
Dealing with someone’s emotional reactions is never easy, and it’s never fun. But it is important.
It’s important for all the reasons I listed above — your team, your company, your customers, and yourself. It’s important for your sense of confidence and competence as a manager, and your growth as a person.
Take a deep breath, do the best you can, and let me know how it goes.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.“ Anne McCaffrey, 1926- , American author living in Ireland, best known for her Dragonriders of Pern series
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