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Where Are You Stuck?

A few years ago, I worked with a client who felt that his many unfinished projects were failures — failures to follow through, failures to finish what he’d started, failures to honor commitments.

More recently, I watched a client teeter for a long time on the edge of launching a very big, very exciting project.

Even more recently, I’ve watched myself get right up to the last few tasks on not just one, but two projects... and get trapped in a seemingly endless just-one-more-tweak loop.

And I spoke last week with another client who has wonderful aspirations about what’s really calling to her, yet she’s still hanging out in her successful-but-uninspiring career.

What’s up with all of this?

Time management, overcoming procrastination, “just do it” — there are so many ideas, articles, teachers, programs, and slogans, all of which try one way or another to get people over this “stuck” thing.

Not all, but many (perhaps even most) of these are just different ways that people are encouraged to do emotional and spiritual violence to themselves. For example, when I Googled “procrastination,” I found one article that ecstatically described “an amazing strategy...that converts procrastinators into effective human beings.” Talk about horrifyingly negative value judgments!

Getting past being stuck doesn’t require willpower, discipline, or a better time-management system. Those may enable you to bludgeon yourself a little closer to your goal, but they’re more likely to leave you feeling frustrated, angry, stressed, and exhausted.

Instead, stop. Stop thinking about what you’re trying to force yourself to do. Stop thinking about what a miserable failure you are. And take a look at what’s really happening.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help create some space, clarity, and compassion. And after that, perhaps you’ll find some forward motion — or recognize that “forward motion” isn’t what you need after all.

What’s the real purpose?

What are you actually trying to accomplish? Is the real desired result what you think it is?

My client with all the unfinished projects is a lifelong learner. He loves to learn new things. Those projects were actually about learning. So when he’d gotten far enough into each one that he’d learned what he wanted to know, the real project was done.

The real desire was learning, and he was accomplishing that very effectively. In fact, by abandoning each project when he’d learned what he wanted, he was being far more effective in his real purpose than if he’d pushed himself to finish them all.

Where’s the vulnerability?

This is where my teetering client has been stuck. And it’s also what’s been keeping me in tweak mode.

When she launches her really big project (and I’m happy to say that it’s happening!), she’s going to be “out there” in a very big way. She’s put her heart and soul into this. It’s natural that she’s found reasons to delay, to make changes, to get distracted.

My two projects aren’t nearly as big as hers, but both of them also mean I’m getting that much more real about who I am and what I’m offering.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling nervous about being vulnerable. But you’ll stay firmly stuck there until you pause to honestly accept your fears and reassure yourself that being vulnerable is not just okay, but also survivable.

What does it look/smell/taste/feel like?

Lack of clarity keeps you from seeing opportunities to get what you want. After all, how can you recognize what you want if you aren’t clear — very clear — about what it is?

I often work with clients on finding meaningful work, and the first thing we do is to find that clarity. They usually think they have it — but they quickly see they really don’t.

Like my clients, you may feel as if you already know what you want. You may know, for instance, that your current job isn’t meaningful, it’s not fulfilling your creative desires or your urge to contribute to the world in some way. So you know you want a job that will satisfy those needs.

So, say you know you want to work with kids (for instance). What does that mean? Two-year-olds, or young adults? Are these healthy kids, or are they physically or developmentally challenged in some way? Do you want to tutor them in math, or take them camping in the mountains — or on a work-study program in Europe?

When you can clearly and succinctly state what it is you want, then you’ll recognize it when you see it. You’ll know how to describe it when someone asks, and then they’ll know how to make suggestions and recommend connections. And you’ll know what’s it’s not, so you’ll avoid making mistakes and bad choices.

Give yourself a break

You know you’re really not a lazy person. You know you’re productive and dedicated, and that you rise to meet the challenges that face you.

So give yourself a break. When you feel stuck (and we all get stuck sometimes), just stop for a moment. Ask yourself what’s really going on.

A little clarity goes a long way to getting unstuck.

“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.” Blaise Pascal, 1623-1662, French mathematician, physicist, and religious philosopher.

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