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Relationships and Personal Ads

Fear not — this really is an article about careers and work!

When we talk and think about how many hours we spend at work, it’s usually with resignation or even discouragement and depression. Especially in today’s trying economy, time at work seems to have developed an insatiable appetite — more, more, and more time, time spent at your desk, in meetings, dealing with crises, answering email on weekends and vacations, soothing your boss as well as your staff.

It may seem strange to talk about your job and the company where you work as if they were people. Bear with me, though. When you consider the personality of your organization and the personal characteristics of your job, you’ll begin seeing reasons for the ways in which you do and don’t like getting up to go to work every day. You’ll also begin to see how the relationship could change to be more effective for both of you.

And if, like many right now, you’re engaged in a job search, you’ll have ways of looking at and talking about your opportunities that will help you understand what offer is most attractive and where you’re most likely to succeed.

So let’s walk through a few questions you can use to brainstorm who your job and the company where you work (or your business, if you’re self-employed) would be if they were people. Don’t think about these questions — there’s nothing logical about the process. Instead, simply allow your instinct to respond.

There are no right or wrong answers, and there is no right or wrong relationship. The goal is purely and simply to gain a deeper understanding of what the relationship is (or could be, if you’re jobhunting). Only you can tell if it’s a relationship you can thrive in, enjoy, grow into, develop, or perhaps just live with — or if you’d be better off running for the nearest exit!

Male or female?

Don’t get distracted by the actual gender of the people you work with; just go with the feel of the relationship.

One of my clients recently changed jobs from a company that was crisply masculine in feel, to one where the behavior seems more feminine. To her surprise, the fact that she works primarily with men has nothing to do with the corporate style. Seeing this, and understanding the feminine nature of the corporate culture, has been very helpful to her in adjusting quickly and effectively to her new leadership role.

Young, old, middle-aged?

Some companies have a youthfulness that has nothing to do with the longevity of the staff or the size and age of the organization. Others seem older — perhaps wiser, perhaps not.

Appearance?

Close your eyes and imagine this person walking down the street. What is he or she wearing? How is his or her hair styled?

What sort of walk does s/he have? What expression is on his or her face, and what’s conveyed through body language? Is this someone you’d consider attractive, intriguing, threatening, boring, or ... ?

The relationship

How would it feel to go with this person for coffee or a beer, go out to lunch, take in a movie, go to a museum? Think of the things you enjoy doing. Is this person someone who would be a good companion for those activities?

Does this person feel familiar to you, or like a stranger? Can you imagine yourself on a long weekend together, just hanging out?

Think of the two of you in conversation. Is it relaxed, with easy silences and laughter, or is it formal and cautious — or somewhere in between? Could you argue with this person without fearing reprisal or rejection? Will this person accept who you are, or do you need to hide aspects of yourself?

The personal ad

Clients often come to me knowing that their current jobs, or even their current careers, aren’t right for them. In the process of helping them understand what’s missing and discover what meaningful work might look and feel like, I sometimes ask them to write a personal ad. Yes, I do mean one of those lonelyhearts, looking for love in all the wrong places, sorts of ads. And no, I don’t mean that they should then publish it in their local paper!

The process of writing a personal ad — versus the “objectives” section of your resume, for instance — is powerful because it brings you out of your logical mind and into your feeling self. It puts you in touch with a deeper, felt sense of what’s true for you, rather than what you think you should want, have, do, or be. It helps you understand what gets you out of bed and off to work with enthusiasm, interest, and even excitement.

Try it out, even if you like your current job — because it can also help guide you towards what your next career step could be within the company where you already work.

If you are job-hunting, whether because of changes due to the economy or because you’re ready for something new, you’ll be surprised and even delighted at the focus and clarity that arise from this process. That focus and clarity will open you to new and different possibilities, change how you present yourself to others, and can lead you to discovering exactly the job and career that you want.

It’s always a revealing and insightful process, often unexpectedly so. Several years ago, I conducted the exercise with a nonprofit’s board of directors. The board members had been feeling increasingy fragmented and unfocused, and felt that the board president had dropped the reins of leadership.

As we debriefed the exercise, the president said slowly, “I feel as if the organization is an old friend whom I never see any more — as if we’ve drifted apart.”

Revealing, indeed!

“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” Henry Winkler, 1945 - , American actor, director, producer, and author.

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