Svaha: the time between seeing lightning and hearing the thunder
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You know what I mean by “the Yes Disease.”
It’s when you can’t stop saying “yes,” even when you’re nine miles deep in overwhelm. It’s when you help every person who even looks like they need help, never mind if they actually ask for it (and never mind if you can afford the time). It’s when you take on extra work because if you don’t do it, no one else will.
In really severe cases, Yes Disease sufferers have to go to dictionary.com to look up the meaning of the word “no,” because they so seldom use it. (Just in case you need it, the definition is “a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request.”)
Women seem especially prone to the disease, but men aren’t immune. Children, on the other hand, appear naturally resistant.
All joking aside, it’s a killer. It kills careers (when you take on so much that you’re not doing any of it very well), it kills friendships (with anger and resentment), it kills your joy in life (this one’s obvious), and in extreme cases, it creates such stress and burnout that, yes, it can actually kill you.
There are no easy cures. You can’t “take two No’s and call me in the morning.” Recovering from the Yes Disease is a process that unfolds over time, as you notice what you’re doing, evaluate your priorities, and question the beliefs that make you susceptible.
Here are some things to think about, and some ways to say No diplomatically — and mean it.
The Yes Disease damages your career by filling your schedule with things that not only aren’t your responsibility (until you say Yes to them, anyway), but also aren’t within your field of expertise.
When someone needs help with something, they’re likely to ask the person they know will say Yes, rather than the person who’s actually best for the job. So if you’re not the right person, say so. “You know what, Jane Smith has this sort of thing down cold. She’ll be able to do it a lot faster and better than I could. Why don’t you see if she can help?”
Do you even know what you’re being asked to do? People don’t mean to be confusing when they ask for things, but they often are. When do they need it, and exactly what do they need?
If you’re unclear about what’s being requested, ask. “My calendar is very full right now. When do you need this completed? Because I probably won’t be able to get to it for at least a couple of weeks.”
When you say Yes to something, you’re saying No to something else. More importantly for Yes Disease sufferers, the reverse is also true: when you say No to something, you’re saying Yes to something else.
STOP. Just for a moment, before you speak that Yes that’s trembling on the tip of your tongue, STOP. What are your priorities? What will you be saying No to by taking this on? Is it worth it? What will it cost you, in terms of your career, your family and friends, yourself? Is the trade-off desireable? (Forget about “acceptable” — Yes Disease victims can convince themselves that almost anything is acceptable.)
There’s a reason why the flight attendants on airplanes tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first: if you pass out from lack of air, you can’t help anyone else, no matter how much they may need you.
It’s easy to give lip service to this. Everyone knows that self-care is important in order to have the energy and ability to help others.
But do you do it?
I know I have to keep being reminded about this. Fortunately, I have a wonderful coach, friend, and business partner who reminds me as necessary.
Who will you ask to remind you? Partner up with someone, and keep each other honest.
What can you do to oxygenate yourself? Take a walk, take a nap, find pictures in the clouds, eat a pomegranate without worrying about juice stains (wear an old t-shirt — or nothing at all!), sit and watch the sun set, do absolutely nothing... Whatever it is, make it fun, and make it YOU.
You’ll notice that the two examples of saying no, above, don’t actually include the word itself. One symptom of Yes Disease is a profound allergy to the word “no.” As you gradually cure yourself, keep finding creative ways to say no without saying “no.”
Before you know it, you’ll be well on the road to recovery!
“It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much.” Steve Jobs, 1955-, co-founder, Chairman, and CEO of Apple, Inc.; former CEO of Pixar Animation.
“The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes.” Tony Blair, 1953-, English politician, Prime Minister of England from 1997-2007.
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