Free Article

The Many Faces of No

No

That little word carries a huge burden of fear, anxiety, and frustration.

How many deeply important questions aren’t even asked because the asker fears hearing “no”? How many “no” answers are felt as personal criticism or attack? And how many “no” answers are heard as “never”?

Language is a funny thing. We think of it as being fixed: look a word up in the dictionary, and there it is, that’s what it means. But in fact, language is very flexible and even fluid. One person’s understanding of a word’s meaning may not match her listener’s. String a few dozen words together, and the possible interpretations multiply.

Add in the meta-message — the message behind the message, conveyed by tone, body language, facial expression, and even the past history of the people conversing — and it becomes astonishing that we ever communicate clearly at all.

No.

It’s the smallest word I can think of that can stand on its own, a sentence unto itself. It has tremendous power to dash hopes, frustrate careers, ruin dreams.

All too often — especially for women — “no” is taken as the death-knell for whatever was asked, with a big dose of personal failure thrown in for good measure. When “no” can be interpreted as “No, and how could you possibly be so dumb as to even ask?”, then the asker needs to feel virtually certain of getting a “yes” answer before she’ll even consider asking.

But “no” doesn’t always mean “NO.” Here are some things to consider when you hear — or say — “no.”

Other interpretations

What follows are just a few of the various things that “no” might mean. Notice that none of them are “never!” or “how could you ask?!”

• Now isn’t a good time. Come back later when I’m not so busy (or when I’m in a better mood).
• You’ve asked the wrong question. Rethink, rephrase, and ask again.
• I don’t understand everything you’re saying. I need more information.
• You phrased your question in such a negative way that you seemed to expect “no”.
• I don’t see any upside for me in saying “yes.” Find a way that this benefits me and ask again.
• There are factors beyond my control that make me say “no.”
• I’d like to say “yes,” but you haven’t given me a way to justify it to others (my boss, Human Resources, etc.).
• Not now, but maybe later.
• You need to learn and do more before I can say “yes.”

Do your homework

If you prepare before asking for something, you can avoid asking the wrong question or providing insufficient reasons for someone to say “yes.”

You’ll also increase your chances of getting to “yes” if you’re careful to check whether someone’s pressed for time or just in a terrible mood for some reason. And you’ll do better if you present your reasoning in a way that suits her listening and learning styles.

Ask yourself, what else is going on for this person? What’s the larger context in which he’ll view your request?

Perhaps most importantly, what’s in it for her? How does saying “yes” provide a benefit for her, professionally or personally?

When you hear “no”

If you find yourself reacting with hurt or anger, take a deep breath and remember that this isn’t a personal attack. Step back for a moment and look at what you heard and at the meta-messages you perceived. What are the body language, tone of voice, or facial expression telling you?

Depending on your request and on your interpretation of the meta-messages (and remember that it’s an interpretation, so it could be a mis-interpretation!), what follow-up questions can you ask? You don’t want to sound angry or defensive, but asking additional questions to understand more about the “no” you just heard is perfectly reasonable.

You won’t want to follow up right away if the person is clearly in a bad mood or very busy. If you missed your cues on this before asking, then your best option for recovery is to graciously excuse yourself and come back at a better time to learn more. Be patient: that “better time” may be days or even weeks later, depending on the situation.

When you say “no”

Do the other person a favor: if you must say “no” to her request, take a moment to provide the full meaning. Do you in fact mean “never”? Or do you mean something more like one of the meanings listed above?

If there’s something he can do to change your mind — something he needs to learn or become more experienced in — let him know. If there’s something going on in the organization, tell her so; if you can’t talk about it specifically, at least say that there are confidential factors at play. If you’d like to hear more and perhaps enter into a negotiation, suggest that he gather more information and come back when you have more time to talk.

Being more explicit about the meanings of your “no” responses and the meanings of the “no” answers you receive helps you as well as the person asking. It clarifies the situation and allows everyone to respond with appropriate action instead of getting frustrated, hurt, or angry.

“If you never hear no, you’re not asking enough.” Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever, from Ask For It: how women can use the power of negotiation to get what they really want, published by Bantam Dell, 2008

If you liked this article, you can sign up to receive my regular newsletter!