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Everyone’s Got Style

You’re undoubtedly familiar with the idea that everyone has a different learning style, communication style, and so on. You’ve also probably experienced any number of the many styles assessments there are out there, from Myers-Briggs to DISC to whichever was popular in the organizations where you’ve worked.

So of course you know everyone is different.

Of course

Except that it’s often easier to believe that people are more alike than they are different. And that they’re more like you than anything else. Which might even be true.

Except when it isn’t — and that, of course, is exactly what gets us all in trouble: expecting people to be the same as we are. Expecting them to respond to the same sorts of rewards we want, and the same sort of feedback we respond to, expecting them to have the same motivations, the same goals, the same wants and needs.

After all, that’s what the Golden Rule says: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I prefer the Platinum Rule: do unto others as they want to be done unto. And I add a corollary to it: before you assume you know what they want, ask.

The reality is that different people take very similar actions for very different reasons. So unless you know someone well, it’s not wise to rely on your beliefs or opinions about what he or she might, could, or should want in any situation.

As Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman point out in their book on excellent managers, First, Break All the Rules, really great managers and leaders learn as much as they can about their employees. That way, they know what motivates each person to his or her own personal excellence. No doubts, no guessing, just a direct line into what really matters to someone.

I can’t think of a better way to show respect and appreciation.

So here are a few ways to learn more about your co-workers, employees, and managers — and for that matter, your friends and family too.

Ask questions

Most people want to believe you’re interested in them. Asking questions — not interrogating, of course, but asking from honest curiosity and interest — will encourage people to tell you what’s important to them.

In team-development work, I recommend that my clients begin their staff meetings — or any regular meeting — with a round-the-room sharing of “something interesting” that happened to each person since the last meeting.

“Interesting” is wholly open-ended; it doesn’t require someone to dredge up something wonderful, as is often the case when they’re asked to share a “good thing.” After all, everyone wants their good thing to be at least as good as the next person’s, which creates competition and self-consciousness.

“Interesting” is subjective, and what’s interesting to someone will tell you a lot about what’s important to him or her.

Then listen!

Listening isn’t easy. Have you ever noticed how much your mind wants to think about things while you’re listening to someone?

Everything from whether or not you agree, to what you’re going to say next, to how you want to tell a story you just remembered — it all pops up in your mind. And it’s hard to filter what you’re hearing from what you’re thinking.

When your mind tries to interrupt you while you’re listening, tell it that it’s got to wait its turn. Bring your focus back to the words you’re hearing. You can always take a moment, a breath or two, after the other person finishes to review your thoughts and decide what to say next.

What to say next

Especially if you’re discussing important or sensitive issues, instead of jumping in with your ideas or opinions, try just reflecting back the last thing said.

I’m not talking about paraphrasing what someone says, which is advice you’ve probably heard. I mean quite literally echoing back the last sentence or the last few phrases.

For instance, if someone says, “It was a difficult experience,” just repeat, “A difficult experience,” and wait. Even if he’s already described the experience, there’s almost certainly something he hasn’t yet said that wants to be expressed.

If your conversation partner says, “I really enjoy hang gliding and eating mint chocolate-chip ice cream,’ suppress your initial reaction to exclaim, “Both at the same time?!” Instead, say, “Hang gliding and mint chocolate-chip ice cream,” and see what happens.

Obviously this can be taken too far; you don’t want to sound like you’re parroting or mocking someone. Done gently and selectively, though, you’ll learn more about someone when you echo back their last sentence or expressed thought, word-for-word, and let them pick it up and keep going.

Observe

If you can’t think of something to ask or how to start a conversation about anything except the project you’re working on together, take a look around. Is there interesting artwork or an unusual calendar on the office wall? Does he have a school ring, or an intriguing bumper sticker on his car? What books are stacked on her desk?

A little observation can tell you a lot about what someone values — and when you ask questions that show you’ve noticed and are sincerely interested, you’ll not only be gathering great ideas about what makes him or her get interested, excited, and fired up, you’ll also earn a wonderful reputation as someone who really cares.

Have fun

Above all, communication should be both caring and fun. Don’t take any of these suggestions too seriously. Instead, enjoy yourself, be curious about what happens, and expect to be surprised by what you learn.

Because everyone is different, and learning about those differences creates real connections and improved working relationships.

“It takes all kinds, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.” Folk saying of unknown origin.

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