Svaha: the time between seeing lightning and hearing the thunder
I will be eternally grateful for your great gift of taking in to the fullest extent what it is that I have to offer, living it, and then reflecting it back in terms of the potential experience of others. You have given words to a process that defies words. And you’re constantly in a position to help me continue to hone that, deeper and deeper and more and more resonantly, who I am and what I offer, which is truly invaluable. — Jon Hansen, The Remembering Room, Richmond, Illinois
What you’ve sent me is so darn perfect it hurts! It’s a sheer pleasure to work with someone who writes as beautifully as you do — and in “my” voice. — Ariane Goodwin, Ed.D, smARTist® Telesummit, Millers Falls, Massachusetts
You have a real gift for words. You’re really, really good at it. — Sherry Essig, Priority Ventures Group, Raleigh, North Carolina
You’ve built such integrity of message in your company. I know that’s because it springs forth intrinsically, but you stay so focused at your core! I can’t think of a better way to phrase that laser-beam focus you have. It’s funny, because in someone else, laser-beam focus would be intense, but somehow you manage to make it much more kind and easy. — Jessica Albon, Thrive Your Tribe, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
I’ve never worked with anybody in the way that I’ve worked with you in terms of trusting in your abilities to the level that I have. — Catherine Hajnal PhD, Eight Branches Consulting, Vancouver, Canada ... facilitating and nurturing joyful living
You have an uncanny ability to see through what is being said and surface all the “unsaid” issues. Then you quickly give candid feedback and have a tremendous toolbox to help me move forward through your expert guidance of the right tool.
I have worked with many facilitators/coaches/counselors relating to work and personal situations. Your skills are exemplary and moved me faster than I ever expected. — Jennifer Baker, Fishers, Indiana
You bring both a spiritual perspective and some real-world hard-headedness. — Janet Bailey, Mindful Time Management, San Francisco, California
Brava! I wish I could draw a picture of me — you’d see me in a deep bow to you!
I read your newsletter as soon as it hits my in-box and you’re always right on with your advice. I had to let you know that this issue is particularly brilliant.
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Thanks so much for sharing your insight and wisdom. — Debbie Rodgers, CGA
Can women reasonably believe that the infamous glass ceiling is badly cracked — or even broken? Are women ascending not only to new political heights, but also to new executive levels? And what about the oft-cited measurement of equal pay?
Despite hopeful expectations and beliefs, the unfortunate reality is that women’s presence and impact in the corporate world is actually going backwards. Inflation-adjusted salaries for women managers are less today than they were 25 years ago. There are fewer women on boards of directors today than just a year or two ago — and more companies without any women at all on their boards. My sister’s friend blithely believed she had nothing to worry about — until she discovered that her employer routinely pays men more than women.
Unfortunately, there’s no switch to flip to change attitudes and create understanding. Change takes time and patience — and attention. By being aware and working with what happens, you’ll see improvements for yourself and those around you. And that — whether you’re a man or a woman — is good for all of us.
Here are a few common situations that occur. Please note that these are very simple examples. Real life is usually more complicated.
When a woman’s ideas and concerns are unheard, only to be acted upon when repeated by a man, she usually assumes her communication skills are lacking. Similarly, when a client’s questions are directed at the junior salesman on the team instead of the senior saleswoman, he just doesn’t notice — and she might not either, or might wonder why the client doesn’t like her.
Neither of these are caused by a skill gap or a personality flaw. Both are examples of gender politics at work.
When men refine their listening skills to hear what everyone says, they become better leaders and better communicators overall.
For women, there’s a fine line between speaking out with confidence and being thought overly aggressive. Nonetheless, if you find yourself consistently being overlooked when you have something to contribute, consider how your words, body language, and tone may be keeping you in the background.
When men receive the promotions, the recognition, the cool project assignments, women end up wondering what they’re doing wrong and why no one is noticing their hard work and great results.
The simple answer is that men routinely ask for what they want, and negotiate their way into bigger and better positions, rewards, and perks.
Women, on the other hand, believe that their hard work will earn rewards. If they don’t get what they think they deserve, without having to ask, they may feel hurt, rejected, and ultimately angry.
The answer is simple, though not necessarily easy: women, ask for what you want! And beware of negotiation tactics you’ve learned from books or workshops created by men. They may not work for you. Instead, seek out and learn from other women who are successful at asking and negotiating.
Men, encourage the women on your team to ask. Help them practice negotiation skills they’re comfortable with — which may or may not be the tactics you prefer to use.
I’ve had women clients tell me that they feel as if they’re speaking a different language than their male colleagues.
They are.
Women tend to use more “filler” words (like, really, essentially, basically, etc.) as well as more conditional language (I think, it seems that, it could/would/should be, etc.).
I’m often asked why these words are so bad. I generally reply with an example: “I think the project is basically under budget.” Is the project under budget — or not? It’s unclear, and the speaker of such a statement will be seen as fuzzy-minded, indecisive, and unwilling to take a stand.
I recommend to all my clients, especially women, that they review their written communication — including email! — carefully. Is it saying what you mean and want to say, clearly and without hedging? Identify your favorite filler and conditional words. Then edit them out ruthlessly — and watch for them in your spoken communication as well.
I freely admit that the examples I’ve described here are generalizations.
However, they make a point that carries an important truth — and recognizing that truth can help everyone, men and women, establish better communication, become more innovative, problem-solve more effectively, and — as realized by the companies that do have women on their boards of directors — reap surprisingly higher financial rewards.
Giving attention to these factors, and to other factors of gender politics and gender role expectations, pays significant dividends over time. And it helps create the awareness that will enable long-term, lasting change for our sons and daughters — or perhaps our grandsons and granddaughters — to enjoy.
“Women and men have to fight together to change society — and both will benefit.” Muriel Fox, one of the 25 members of the 1966 organizing conference of the National Organization of Women
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