Free Article

Shall we Dance?

So, tell me: how many of the people you work closely with are people you’d choose to go out dancing with?

If you’re like most people, not many — even if, in general, you pretty much like the people in your office.

As I teach in my workshops, this is the main reason why workplace politics feels so distasteful: you’re in close contact, day in and day out, with people who just don’t share your views about the world, whatever those views may be. And it can be tough to set aside your disagreement or discomfort with the other person’s outlook in order to focus effectively on collaboration and communication.

Communication and collaboration start from a common ground, a common perspective. When that common perspective doesn’t seem to exist, efforts at communication fall flat, prey to misunderstandings. Resistance to collaboration sets in, whether unconscious or overt, and pretty soon everything is grinding to a halt — and no one quite knows why.

You may think I’m exaggerating, but just consider the last dysfunctional team you were part of or had the opportunity to observe. It happens more often than any of us want to admit!

Communication as Dance

When you dance with someone — whether it’s a formal waltz or you’re more into hip-hop — there’s a give and take going on. You move in response to your partner’s moves, and vice versa. Without that mutual respect and understanding, you end up stepping on each other’s toes and jabbing elbows into ribs.

Likewise, in communication there’s mutual responsibility to be clear and to listen clearly. That sounds simple enough — perhaps even absurdly obvious. But if there are underlying disagreements, even when those disagreements have nothing to do with the work you’re doing together, messages get muddled.

You may find yourself creating sub-messages with sarcasm, for instance, or using vague phrasing that could be taken in several different ways. And you may find yourself — probably subconsciously rather than intentionally — taking advantage of opportunities to misunderstand the other person.

Make it easy for your partner — however unwilling you are to be partnered with him or her — to dance with you by keeping your message clear and listening for a clear message in return.

Dance with the one that brung ya

When communication breaks down, it’s often tempting to avoid dealing with the other person by sending messages through someone else. You may not notice this is what you’re doing; it may just suddenly become “easier” to say things like, “Oh, while you’re at it, could you let Joe know that...” instead of going directly to Joe yourself.

Be honest with yourself, and notice when you’re avoiding talking with someone. And recognize that they’re likely struggling with some of the same feelings as you are.

Find common ground

If you like hip-hop and s/he likes waltzes, you may be scowling at this paragraph and thinking I’ve got to be crazy. But there’s common ground there somewhere, and when you find it, you’ll also find that barriers to communication start dissolving.

Perhaps you share an interest in some other type of music, or in mushroom foraging, growing rare orchids, or building model trains.

If nothing else, you both work for the same organization. What brought you there, and what common interests can you find in wanting to see the organization succeed?

When you’re not on the same wavelength with someone, it’s hard to recognize that there are shared interests. In fact, you may find yourself resisting even the idea that you have any shared ground at all. Notice that resistance, and be aware that the greater it is, the more likely you are to have more in common than you think!

Protect your toes

Sadly, there are workplace bullies out there — in dance-floor terms, the ones who deliberately clear space by bumping into people, flinging their elbows around, and stepping on toes (usually with spike heels or heavy boots).

Be honest with yourself: don’t be too quick to decide you’re dealing with a bully, or too reluctant to admit that this really is the situation. Only you can tell. But if your honest attempts at clarity, at dealing directly and openly with the other person, and at finding common ground to create even minimal rapport are all falling flat — then you may want to consider what else is going on.

My experience helping clients get free from bullying tells me that people are often reluctant to admit that the situation is real — and even more reluctant to acknowledge that it’s not their fault. Consider what you’d tell a friend in your situation. Is it what you’ve been telling yourself? If not — think about what you’ll do differently. You’re the only one whose behavior you can change, after all.

“You have to want to dance together. That’s half the battle.” Leigh Witchel, 1963- , American choreographer, founder of Dance As Ever, and 2001 Guggenheim fellow.

If you liked this article, you can sign up to receive my regular newsletter!